Cancer Shows You Who Stays

and why boundaries must become part of your healing.

Some people disappeared. Some betrayed me. Others showed up in ways I’ll never forget. Here’s what illness taught me about friendship, boundaries and how to know who deserves a place in your life.

Last Friday, I received stacks of calls, messages, cards, gifts and donations to our charity.

’Twas a beautiful thing.

‘Twas my birthday.

On Saturday, I received zero calls, a few “sorry I’m late” messages, a couple of cards that had been posted internationally (and finally found their way to me), no gifts (I’d received and opened those on the day itself) and two more, (very much appreciated), donations.

And on Sunday:

I expected nothing.

(Postscript: I was wrong – I received one more card).

So why am I telling you this?

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The days after – are when you discover what and who remains.

Well, when it’s your birthday, it’s kind of expected. You know there will be a flurry of attention. You know people will remember you. You know, for one day at least, you’re allowed to be the centre of the universe.

When it’s a cancer diagnosis, you don’t have that anticipation of everything eventually falling flat.

Yes, you’re suddenly the centre of everyone’s world, but – you don’t know how long that will last…

People you haven’t heard from for years suddenly resume contact, armed with their wizened advice about how you could or should heal.

It’s relentless.

And exhausting.

Initially.

Then the world moves on.

It’s not your birthday anymore.

But cancer?

Cancer’s not going anywhere – not for a while – at best.

And sometimes, it feels like it’s the only thing you have in your world.

You can feel overwhelmed and completely, totally isolated.

Nobody really understands how you feel. How could they? People offer unsolicited advice. People say things they think will help, but which somehow make you feel even more alone.

And people you thought were true friends can turn out not to be.

Some can, unbelievably, become your worst enemy.

Yes.

Really.

Cancer doesn’t just change your relationship with your body. Sometimes it changes your relationship with everyone around you.

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But then something wonderful happens.

Your new tribe emerge.

They are amazing people.

They don’t tell you what to do. They support your choices.

They do things, lovely things, that you don’t have to demean yourself by asking for.

They bring thoughtful, usable gifts.

They cook for you when you can’t.

They send you funny things. Silly things. Ridiculous things.

Things that somehow make you laugh.

Proper belly laughs.

In the middle of cancer!

Those people are precious.

Then, as predictably as another birthday reappears, so do some of the people who crossed the street to avoid you.

And what do you do with that?

Do you forgive them when they haven’t even asked for forgiveness because they don’t even know/care that they upset you?

Do you tell them how they made you feel?

Do you give them another chance?

Do you explain away their behaviour?

“It’s understandable. I had cancer. People didn’t know what to do.”

Oh please…

If they didn’t know what to do, they could have told you they didn’t know what to do.

If they’re “not good with illness”, they could have sent a card.

A message.

Anything.

If they didn’t know what to say, saying nothing is possibly the worst thing they could have done.

Take it from someone who’s been there.

It’s heart-wrenching.

And it prompts you to self-analyse, to pick yourself apart, to wonder what you did wrong, leaving you feeling less-than at precisely the moment you need to be concentrating on getting through one of the hardest things you’ve ever faced.

You do not need to turn someone else’s failure into something you did wrong.

For me, it felt like betrayal when a supposed friend turned on me.

I’ve tried to analyse why over the years.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter.

Those who humoured her have apologised in their own ways.

They turned up when I didn’t know they would.

They hugged me effusively.

They sent gifts.

They showed me, through their actions, where they really stood.

The lady herself has since invited me back ‘into the fold.’

Why would I do that?

‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ the wonderful Maya Angelou said.

I can’t remember where I first saw that gem, but I do know it was there when I needed it.

Because I was giving this woman the benefit of the doubt.

She was scared for her ‘friend.’

She didn’t want to lose her.

Perhaps.

But none of those things are an excuse.

She behaved badly.

She knows it.

And it isn’t my job to hand her a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Forgiveness does not require access.

As people say: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Exactly.

You live and learn.

Well, that’s the hope anyway.

So, to anyone with a cancer diagnosis who is having their buttons pushed:

Concentrate on healing.

Pushed buttons will not help you heal.

To anyone who is upset, questioning themselves, wondering whether they somehow caused the situation:

Give yourself grace.

Concentrate on healing.

To anyone who has been hurt and is considering exposing themselves to that person again:

Ask yourself whether it will genuinely help your healing in the long term.

Because, as I said:

They’ve shown you who they are.

Believe them.

And then turn towards the people who stayed.

The people who showed up.

The people who made you laugh.

The people who didn’t tell you how to live your life but stood beside you while you figured it out.

Enjoy your tribe.

They are a precious thing.

And if any of this sounds harsh, do look up Dr Kelly Ann Turner’s work on Radical Remission.

You’ll see why boundaries matter.

A lot.

Because healing isn’t only about what you put into your body.

Sometimes it’s also about what and who you allow into your life.

And sometimes the day after is when you finally see it clearly.

‘Til next time, Denise